The Path

Oh, dear, can I deep dive into how mind-blowing it is to finally wake up emotionally and spiritually? I could tell you down to what I was doing and what I was watching when I finally woke up inside. I listened to Mayim Bialik’s podcast interview of Michael Singer last week after therapy, where we had a discussion of how meditation works. I found that interview AFTER therapy. This timeline is important.

Why is it important that I had an awakening after therapy?

I was feeling safe and protected in my physical environment. Mentally, however, I knew I wasn’t feeling safe. I sat there in this couch thinking “what? I don’t feel safe in my own head? In my own body? Oh, this inner voice of mine is a prick.” Talk about an awakening. I couldn’t bear to sit in my own discomfort. I changed how I viewed my discomfort and realized I hadn’t had a panic attack or anxiety attack in some time, I am managing my depression well…but why am I uncomfortable?

I had to learn that my feelings are fleeting, my emotions are too controlling and powerful, and me, myself, and I are the only one that can hear this insanely loud inner voice over my kind speaking voice.

Could you be friends with your own inner voice? Or, would you want to pop your own mouth for thinking so meanly about yourself. I can tell you, I live my life to punish that inner voice. I wouldn’t dare treat people negatively the same way my own inner voice does. I need to recognize that the wisdom and intuition you have inside yourself can start to become way too loud when you should be totally present and let life live. What does it mean to be present? For me, its not having a million random thoughts and instead honor the one hundred inner thoughts I need to have to guide me to happier actions, activities, and discussions.

Something new I’m working on as well is to be religion-less but work tirelessly on my faith and what that means to me. I am learning more and more about the path to happiness via Buddhism and found my happiness within that level of spirituality. Resources I’m looking into are the app and podcast released by the Plum Village, Michael Singer’s books, Timber Hawkeye’s books, and a ton of other suggestions from online. I love God. I love Christ. I do not and can no longer accept the loneliness of religion that I’ve experienced. I want to lean on my faith in times I need to “give it to god”.

I haven’t written in a long time on this blog but I do still consider it to be a safe place for people to scroll through. I look forward to being further awake.